4 days to go and we're entering the LAST month of 2017 already?! How fast did time fly and what have I actually achieved in the year besides bumming around. Omg I am honestly quite sick of only having $$ out of my account and not a single cent grew. I am sick of doing nothing productive h e l p! But anyways, here are some pictures to commemorate the past few months since my last update in August.

September:

B.A.E brunch finally happened after a year hahahah we just never ever put in the effort to wake up early for brunch 

#topshoptopmanoh

October:

Family photoshoot

XH's 22nd and wahhhhhh we have been celebrating birthdays together since we were 14!!

Bonded with prata and curry chix with the fambamz on Diwali!

Blast to the past on Saturday night with the one I grew up with – the kuzzins and backstreet boys :)))

November:

Surprise birthday celebration @ Ginett for the person of voice behind the opening title of KUWTK. Always always a great night whenever I am with my kuzzins. Really the most important people in my life.

Can't wait for the annual Christmas party on the eve and the actual day with the fam bam!! AND ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A CORGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye.

I want to text you, but I know that we wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences. I know that there is too much sexual tension between us to last as just friends. I know that if we went back to talking every single day, then we would feel the same sparks that we used to feel — and that would end badly for both of us.

I want to text you, but it would ruin all of the progress that I’ve made. I might not be over you yet, but I am closer to getting over you than I used to be once upon a time. And if you were suddenly back in my life, I would go right back to square one. I would go right back to wanting you and only you.

I want to text you, but I am terrified that you won’t be happy to hear from me. That seeing my name across your screen will ruin your day instead of enhance it. I am scared that you won’t answer me. That you will leave my texts unanswered, proving that you don’t care about me anymore. That you are happier without me in your life.

I want to text you, but I know you won’t tell me what I want to hear. I know that the fairy tale version of our conversation that I keep imagining in my mind isn’t realistic. You aren’t going to say sorry and ask if we can try again. You aren’t going to have some reasonable excuse for why we fell apart and call me the one who got away.

I want to text you, but I don’t even know what I would say to you. There are so many questions that I have wanted to ask you since I’ve last seen you, but all of them would make things more awkward between us. They might not bring me any closure. They might only make things worse. They might only open up old wounds that should be healed by now.

I want to text you, but I don’t want you to realize how much I have been thinking about you lately. I don’t want you to know that it has been killing me to stay so far away from you. I don’t want you to see that you still have a place in my heart when I’m unsure if I still have a place in yours.

I want to text you, but I know that it would be a bad idea. I know that it would only make things worse.

I want to text you, but I am going to try to hold myself back. I am going to try to keep my standards high. I am going to try to keep you in my past. 

The very first time I saw you, I thought that we were meant to be. Cliche as it sounds but that’s how I felt. The moment I laid my eyes on you, I know God answered my prayers.

We both clicked the first time we met. Us being together feels so surreal. I never knew that I would have those butterflies in my stomach again and the excitement every time I see you.

You made me feel like I can love and trust again.

Those sweet exchange of messages, crazy phone calls that made me laugh like there’s no tomorrow, that stolen kiss in my cheek, us holding hands like we’ll never be apart, you hugging me just to assure that my jealousy is pointless and that sudden “I love you,” which made my heart skip a beat. Those memories with you made me think that you are worth the risk.

I was so honest with you that I cannot deny how much I missed you. I knew that the scar from your past relationship made you lose faith in love and that’s why I want to be honest with you as much as possible. But sadly, even my honesty made you drift away from me.

Maybe you really haven’t forgotten about her. She’s still the girl your heart yearns for while I’m just the girl who made you feel happy for a bit after she broke your heart. 

I just asked for a little assurance just to make sure we were on the same page, but you gave up just like that because you said that you’re tired of pleasing someone.

You know how afraid I was to entrust my heart to someone. I can’t believe you fooled me, pretending that I was special to you. But I think I was just conceited thinking that way. Or maybe I was too naive thinking that the short time we’ve spent together would fill the void inside your heart.

I’m happy and thankful that God made me feel those emotions again with you. You coming in my life is a blessing in disguise because I saw how true my friends are to me. They lift me up when I was about to break down. I wouldn’t be this tough if it wasn’t for you, so thank you.

I just want to let you know that, you were once my yes even though I was only your maybe.

We never got together, even though we were attracted to each other. Even though we were comfortable together. Even though we called each other soulmates and believed we wouldn't be able to find anyone else as compatible.

We kept saying that our timings were never right – that we definitely would have dated if things worked out a little differently; but that is total bullshit. A lie that almost fooled me, or rather I chose to believe even though deep down I always knew the truth.

In reality, we could have make it work. We could have reconnected, we could have rearranged our lives in order to make room for each other.

We blamed it on timing, on ego, on assumptions and misunderstandings for our falling out but all these weren't the real reason why we never got together, the reason must be you didn't like me as much as I thought (of you made me believe) you did.

The reason must have been that you didn't want to put enough effort into our relationship. The reason must have been you. Or me. Or us. Honestly speaking there wasn't anything keeping us apart, except for ourselves.

The truth is that we never got together because we were hesitant. Because we were scared. Because we were stupid. Because we held ourselves back instead of spilling our souls. Because we kept our distance instead of taking the leap into a real relationship.

We never got together and that is our fault. That is all on us.

It feels wrong to keep blaming bad timing for our mistakes. We can't keep acting like something greater than us is responsible for our regrets, we can't keep acting like the universe is the one in control and we are some helpless bystanders.

I am in control of my own decisions. You are in control of your decisions. And together – even though it might have been an unconscious decision – we made the decision not to date. We made the decision to fall apart instead.

Or maybe I got all these wrong. Maybe there are what you made me believe, maybe I was just a nobody all along.

You didn't date me, but you told me how much you loved me. Whenever you saw me, you told me how beautiful I looked and whenever you spent too long without me, you told me how much you missed me.

You didn't date me, but you texted me from the moment you opened your eyes until the moment they closed. You made me feel wanted with your words, you made me feel so loved by giving me large chunks of your time, knowing quality time is my love language.

You didn't date me, but you shared your secrets with me. You told me things that no one else knew about you. You treated me like I meant something. Like you actually cared about me, like you wanted to keep me in your life.

You didn't date me, but you cuddled with me. You held my hand, you kissed me, so passionately. You walked with me when I was helpless, lost and vulnerable and made me feel safe. To think back now, while walking with me, maybe you were holding someone else's hand.

Now i've been questioning every moment I shared with you. I've been looking back and trying to reinterpret all of our conversations, your looks, your body language.

I'm feeling like a complete idiot for ever believing you cared about me, that you loved me. I'm so close to assuming I made everything up, but those feelings, I felt it. It felt so real, so genuine. My heart can't possible lie or cheat on me.

But maybe you did.
Perhaps you fooled my feelings, my heart.

Perhaps, you fooled me.

I'm waiting for the day where my heart no longer races when I see you and I no longer lose my composure and let butterflies in my stomach control my senses.

I'm waiting for the day where I can look at you and not want you to be mine and can actually resist and pull myself back when you lean in.

One day, I will get over you. I will be numb to you. Nt because I am under the spell of a new love, but because I know you didn't deserve me.