We never got together, even though we were attracted to each other. Even though we were comfortable together. Even though we called each other soulmates and believed we wouldn't be able to find anyone else as compatible.
We kept saying that our timings were never right – that we definitely would have dated if things worked out a little differently; but that is total bullshit. A lie that almost fooled me, or rather I chose to believe even though deep down I always knew the truth.
In reality, we could have make it work. We could have reconnected, we could have rearranged our lives in order to make room for each other.
We blamed it on timing, on ego, on assumptions and misunderstandings for our falling out but all these weren't the real reason why we never got together, the reason must be you didn't like me as much as I thought (of you made me believe) you did.
The reason must have been that you didn't want to put enough effort into our relationship. The reason must have been you. Or me. Or us. Honestly speaking there wasn't anything keeping us apart, except for ourselves.
The truth is that we never got together because we were hesitant. Because we were scared. Because we were stupid. Because we held ourselves back instead of spilling our souls. Because we kept our distance instead of taking the leap into a real relationship.
We never got together and that is our fault. That is all on us.
It feels wrong to keep blaming bad timing for our mistakes. We can't keep acting like something greater than us is responsible for our regrets, we can't keep acting like the universe is the one in control and we are some helpless bystanders.
I am in control of my own decisions. You are in control of your decisions. And together – even though it might have been an unconscious decision – we made the decision not to date. We made the decision to fall apart instead.
Or maybe I got all these wrong. Maybe there are what you made me believe, maybe I was just a nobody all along.
You didn't date me, but you told me how much you loved me. Whenever you saw me, you told me how beautiful I looked and whenever you spent too long without me, you told me how much you missed me.
You didn't date me, but you texted me from the moment you opened your eyes until the moment they closed. You made me feel wanted with your words, you made me feel so loved by giving me large chunks of your time, knowing quality time is my love language.
You didn't date me, but you shared your secrets with me. You told me things that no one else knew about you. You treated me like I meant something. Like you actually cared about me, like you wanted to keep me in your life.
You didn't date me, but you cuddled with me. You held my hand, you kissed me, so passionately. You walked with me when I was helpless, lost and vulnerable and made me feel safe. To think back now, while walking with me, maybe you were holding someone else's hand.
Now i've been questioning every moment I shared with you. I've been looking back and trying to reinterpret all of our conversations, your looks, your body language.
I'm feeling like a complete idiot for ever believing you cared about me, that you loved me. I'm so close to assuming I made everything up, but those feelings, I felt it. It felt so real, so genuine. My heart can't possible lie or cheat on me.
But maybe you did.
Perhaps you fooled my feelings, my heart.
Perhaps, you fooled me.
I'm waiting for the day where my heart no longer races when I see you and I no longer lose my composure and let butterflies in my stomach control my senses.
I'm waiting for the day where I can look at you and not want you to be mine and can actually resist and pull myself back when you lean in.
One day, I will get over you. I will be numb to you. Nt because I am under the spell of a new love, but because I know you didn't deserve me.
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