12AM thoughts 💭

Arghhhh suddenly feeling so lost again. Studies. I must say that studying is reallllllly not my thing at all but to qualify for a good job that pays well in singapore, at least a diploma cert needs to be presented. I hope I made the right choice in going to a private school rather than poly or JC. Okay I'm sure I did because I am definitely more interested in business than in engineering. I want my mass comm or HTM though :( Pretty sure I won't do as well as when I'm in JC too since I'm not that discipline and the content is much heavier, I am only interested in band. I used to also want to major in Lit in the United Kingdom and be a writer or a teacher.

 I really hate the fact that my friends would subconsciously remind me of how I could have been in the same class as them. I'm not referring to any one in particular but just in general. I see my friends from the 42nd intake (my initial intake when I enrolled) going all out for their remaining on month for this course. I feel so disappointed in myself. I could be mugging with them and happily graduate in June. And then I got pushed to the 43rd intake where I should be in sem4 right now. I hate myself. Could have been me too. But now I am all alone in the 44th intake. Ok not really all alone but the friends I should have been with throughout the journey isn't here with me. Now I'm graduating in December when it could have been SIX FAKING MONTHS EARLIER. I could (should) have graduate in June and start uni in August together with my BFF and my friends who took Alevels. Which is the path I'm supposed to be. Because the 95 express batch who went JC would start uni in August. Sometimes it feels like PSLE screwed me up. My bad aggregate for PSLE got me into the normal academic stream which was more of a blessing. That's because I created more memories in Dunman. But then again I waste a year. And then I kind screwed my O'levels in 2012. Sigh 2012 was REALLY A TOUGH YEAR I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS. You know I really don't know if I should even apply for university after my diploma? I'm not that sure if I can handle it. Seriously, what is my future? Honestly I don't see myself getting anywhere. I am turning 19 in a few days and I don't know what I actually want in life. I can only picture myself lazing around doing absolutely nothing at all. IF I were to be in a course of mass com or HTM, maybe then I will know what I wanna be. I used to dream of being a journalist or a news caster. Or just be in the tourism sector, like in Disneyland since fun is what I love. 

Sigh. Ok this rumbling is getting nowhere I need to stop. I don't know what I have typed in the above paragraphs but to sum it all: I wish I was smarter I wish I know what I actually want in life I wish my life wasn't this screwed.